What can I say...blogging takes time and that is one thing I seriously lack. Well, most people lack extra time and, in general, I think our country is dysfunctional in this way. No one (not many people) smell the roses. Crisis here, crisis there, panic and stress everywhere. This is a self-incrimination. My life, for the last 12 years has been ridiculous in many ways. It feels like one of those crazy spinny things on the playground at your grade school. The one that is big and round, low to the ground, and has large metal hand-holds. You can stand on it or lie down, but someone (preferably someone abnormally strong for their age...it's grade school, remember) grabs hold of one of the hand-hold thingies and just runs around and around building speed. All the screaming kids on the spinny thing realize, quickly, that they are involved in something that they didn't sign up for. The scariest thing is that once the strong kid who started spinning the spinny thing stops running, the spinny thing keeps it's speed for a LONG time. It never seems to stop. The screaming kids are screaming and holding on...for if they let go they will go FLYING and hit the hard ground, getting the horrifying wind knocked out of them! It's the law of inertia; cause and effect...an early lesson in it.
Well...to make a long story long, the last 12 years have been the result of the previous 20 years of inertia, or momentum, or whatever. I have been holding on and screaming for the last 12 years wondering when the sickly feeling of nausea will come to an end. MY big strong kid whose job it was to grab the spinny thing is named Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I hate even saying it...it's SO cliche. Still, it has been a game changer to say it, accept it, and make steps to do something about it.
Thirty years ago, when I was in the midst of my educational journey as a 4th grader, I didn't even KNOW anyone who had ADD. At least it wasn't discussed in the mainstream anything. Now, labeling a child with ADD is like labeling a child as one who likes cake. It seems really common. Who knows exactly why. That's a whole other novel...environmental toxins, food toxins, biology, cooped up kids, sugar, preservatives, soda, fast food, the list goes on and on. My parents, who are very loving and thorough in many many ways, never thought to get me "tested". Hm. Oh well, water under the bridge. I was born to a heroin-addicted prostitute (NOT Joan Gibson, my beloved adopted mom, but a woman named Beverly) and was addicted to methadone myself. That probably, for me, was the determining factor.
Thirty nine years later...one destroyed marriage (DESTROYED is an understatement), second strained marriage and three high-need and "exact" children later, it occurred to me that maybe I should get some prescriptive assistance. I hate prescription drugs. It took a hernia surgery three years ago to get me take, an accumulated, two vicodin. Motrin, Vicks vapor rub, and herbs are my friends. So conceding to take a minimum dose of an almost-considered-criminal prescriptive drug took some time to process and agree to.
Nine months later, my life has begun to feel less like a child-like frenetic self-created prison of indecision, emotional roller coaster, moody moody moody trip, and incomplete projects, and more like a victory that a functional adult might experience. It's tempting to ponder what I or my life choices may have been if I had been given a prescription twenty years ago. Perhaps I wouldn't have picked the easiest major in college (and I still managed to need a post-senior year summer class to graduate). Maybe I would have KNOWN my dreams and pursued them instead of dreaming about and living out every silly whimsical idea that ever entered my head. Maybe I wouldn't have been such a crazy person in every relationship and MAYBE I would have HAD fewer relationships. The list does go on and on and on. It isn't a good idea to go down that road of "what if...". We are a result of our lives, for better or worse, and I believe that God, our perfect and kind Father, brings about ALL things for the good of those who love him. I am trying to focus on that.
I am homeschooling my kids with a KILLER curriculum that demands focus and endurance and is a GREAT foundation for their education. I couldn't have done one speck of it before I accepted treatment for ADD. I am not flying off the emotional handle as often, at all. I can finish sentences. I can express my thoughts and feeling without melting down. I can be the person I have always wanted to be, but didn't know how. I can't give pharmaceuticals full credit, of course. There is grace, love, wisdom, Jesus, fellowship, life...but I can now receive and proceed with all that is given to me with MUCH better tools.
Ok...that is it for this post. Let me say, in a quick update since my last post that was 9 months ago, that our Australian adventure (due to family medical crises, and financial crises) is on hold. We moved in with my parents to help them in various ways, and for them to help us in various ways. This is a journey that we began almost 8 years ago (helping my parents and living close to them) when Taylor and I moved from Colorado with our first baby in tow. It took 8 years for that plan to come full-circle. Who knows when the Australia move may or may not happen. I have open hands to the will of my perfect Father.
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