The joy of trial and error, the reward of taking chances! OR...am I just crazy?

If you could hit a "re-do" key and erase the last 15 or so years, would you?  Maybe you just want to cut and paste sections of the last 15 years.  We all have things in our past that we would want to change.  Yet, as difficult as those choices, memories, mistakes were they do make us who we are today.  They are the chapters in our book, the threads that make our tapestry, the reeds that are our basket.  Looking behind you in regret serves no purpose.  Looking back and seeking God's wisdom about how to do things differently is good.

Once I was diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) (see the past post about it, if you want the whole story), I began taking medication (after MUCH deliberation, challenge, sadness that I potentially needed medication).  For the last year I have taken Adderall.  A very low dose, but enough to completely change my world.  My brain actually WORKS!  Until you go from having a VERY challenged brain function (focusing on tasks, completing, not melting down emotionally when having to have a serious talk, etc...) you would not know the amazing sense of new life as a result of a re-wire.  Naturally, I have to fight back the beast of "what if".  For a short while I wanted to hit the "re-do" button and see what decisions were really ME and what decisions were a result of my faulty brain functionality.  I will never know.  That is hard.  I have really struggled for many years to find a path, to stick to anything, to follow through with what I said I will do.  For so long I felt a little crazy in my head, all the while trying to show- on the outside-various versions of me that would NOT betray my true inner "self".

Now it is time to cling to one of my favorite scriptures:  "For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them" (Psalm 139: 14, 16).

This is not a theological debate about predestination.  I am not that sharp.  It is, however, one of many reminders that no one knows us better than our loving creator, God the Father.  Not our parents, our spouses, our children, our best friends...no one.  He knows what we are good at and how we can most bless and love others because HE made those qualities in us.  Sometimes we bump around and fall in the process of discovering those things.  God promises us "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).  There are many choices WE make in our lives as a result of FREE WILL.  God is not a puppeteer.  So, we can look back and regret and regret.  We could get hard-hearted about how difficult various things in our lives have been (we ALL have a story of challenge and pain).  OR, we can keep learning in humility, and believe the Romans 8:28 promise that God will work things out.

Adderall has given me a new pair of glasses to view my lessons through.  It hasn't solved my soul issues.  I still embark on goofy and creative tangents:  writing a book (started about 6 months ago), starting my new Know Your Meat- Jerky Direct business (shameless plug here-http://knowyourmeat.jerkydirect.com/), auditioning for The Voice (twice), being indecisive about homeschooling or sending my kids to school...blah blah blah.  The list goes on.  I am now working on accepting that aspects of these goofy things are JUST what God made me to be and He will keep guiding me and helping know HOW to bless others and how to use them to God's glory (which is kind of up to God anyway).  If you are struggling with your past, or who you are now, just ask God.  There is no magic trick, or catchy phrase, or anything specific to say.  He welcomes humbled hearts with the warmest of embraces and love.