We all have moments, or a series of moments, in our lives that define us, change us, re-animate us, inspire us, move us, or sometimes numb us. YESTERDAY WAS A LIFE-CHANGING MOMENT FOR ME.
I don't think my story or my moments are particularly more remarkable than anyone else's. Yet, this particular blog entry is a vulnerable sharing of an event that may have permanent affect in my own story. Let me begin narrating my "moment" by sharing a little context:
It was about 9 YEARS AGO that MY WHOLE STORY took a turn for the MUCH better. Up until then there were always awesome moments mixed with many crappy moments. Still, all those nuances to my story make me who I am right now. Nine years ago a couple things happened. My marriage and my faith took parallel journeys for the much better, AND I became a mom for the first time.
Nine years ago the not-so-gentle but turbo-speed journey to become a grown-up happened for me. Up until becoming a mom, I REALLY managed to put off being a somewhat responsible, less self-centered, more other-centered, nurturing person. The other parts of my story, prior to mom-hood, seemed to converge into a reality that, for me, could be defined as a poor-me, I-am-a-victim, I don't have to "tough" out anything mentality. Thank you, Father God, for knowing what it would take to help me to start growing up…having kids.
I am a pretty intense mom. I can be rather controlling (out of love mostly, sometimes out of fear), vigilant against all the "evils" of the world (Monsanto, high fructose corn syrup, too much TV, other people teaching my kids, being outside in the front yard while my kids play, not letting them go off ANYWHERE too far without my being able to see them, etc…). I often ponder, "am I too intense?" "am I too controlling?". Yet, I feel pretty strongly that they have a long life ahead of them without me looking over their shoulders. They are still young, mind you…9, 7 and 4. It is my job to be vigilant. It is my job, my joy (most of the time), to be their buffer between the real world's pitfalls, harms, and hurts. They will have plenty of time to experience life. But for now, their father and I are here as their guardians and advocates. I love my kids more than I thought I could love ANYTHING here on earth. Pleasant surprise to me, considering how little I pined for such a role as motherhood. My job is set, my calling deep and I AM IN CONTROL of how this all turns out…..right?
Fo the last four days my family has embarked on the first family vacation we have had in a while. Joyfully, we have been joined by DEAR family friends who traveled from Maine to do this road trip with us as a car-caravan. We had a specific task to tend to in Las Vegas (NEVER thought I would bring my kids to Vegas, actually…never wanted to). As a result of that task, we decided to take a road-trip/vacation through Vegas and then journey on to see the AMAZING natural wonders of the Western parts of the USA!
We are staying in a VERY family-friendly place…Hilton Grand Vacations… (clean, fun, beautiful, safe, NO casinos in the hotel, GREAT pools, etc…remember, I am a VIGILANT mom!). I have created a "free, fun and safe things to do with kids in Las Vegas" list of activities, such as M&M world, see the aquariums at different hotels/casinos, Bellagio fountain, Circus Circus free acts in the Midway, shops at Caesar's Palace with a "Fall of Atlantis" show, etc. You get the point. Yes, there are VERY challenging aspects to Las Vegas, without even trying. Gambling, smoking inside the casinos (where you must journey THROUGH to get to eateries), shuttling the kids THROUGH the casinos to get to said "free" things, walking down the street, all things you don't really understand until you are HERE.
So far, things have gone pretty well, considering Las Vegas. We did have a near miss with a car coming within 2 feet of almost hitting our two oldest children while we LEGALLY crossed a cross walk. That was a new experience for us all and was pretty adrenalizing, to say the least. Still, the kids seem to be having a fun time with all the lights, food, fun, noise, staying up WAY too late (truly, this city NEVER sleeps). Until YESTERDAY.
Here is how it all went down: It was late. We had had a long and full day…swimming, eating, finding the Pawn Stars pawn shop, having fun! We were trying to find dinner and check off some of our "fun and free while in Vegas" to-do items. We found ourselves at Caesar's Palace. They have a huge fancy shops "mall" that is attached to the casino. We were motivated to go there because CP (Caesar's Palace) also has a LOVELY fish aquarium and a "Fall of Atlantis" show at one end of the shops. All 7 of us, VERY hungry, somewhat weary, and ready to see all that CP had for us, ate a modest dinner of pizza and hotdogs. We spend a lot of time hanging out at the awesome fish tank! The kids were OVERJOYED! FUN! We then headed BACK toward a gelato cafe in the middle of one of the wings of the "mall". I am sure I don't need to tell you how busy these places are, even at a VERY late hour. TONS of people, lights, noise, shops, etc…It's a bit overwhelming. It think that is the point…over-stimulate you so you can't think straight and then you will abandon ANY hope of sticking to your budget.
Our friends were browsing near-by…unseen. Having fun. All 5 of us go to get gelato. The "server" behind the counter was ASTOUNDINGLY and surprisingly (for Vegas) less than helpful. He kept moving us all around his generous counter to get us to where he wanted us for the perfect order. My kids are pretty tired. Indecisive. They have to share ONE gelato because it about $100 for one scoop…ok, not really, but it seemed that expensive. They are decided, no…not decided…ugh! My four year old is wandering a bit, but I RUSH to VIGILANT MOM-ness! "Ivy, come here now". She looks at me and half-heartedly wanders my way toward the gelato counter in the MIDDLE of the mall walkway. She is transfixed, in a very tired hypnotic kind of way, by the bright lights, loud music, interestingly placed funky mannequins in a pretty store. At least she is headed back to me (about 4 or 5 feet away). My husband is right here, too, so we are all together and accounted for. The annoying, anything-but-helpful gelato "artist" is yet moving us around the a different counter AGAIN! This time to pay the $100 we owe him. We all shuffle to the OTHER side of the counter. I am collecting myself to pay…where is my hubby? He has the cash…ok, here is the money…wait…WHERE IS IVY??? No problem, I am vigilant. "Taylor, where is Ivy?". His look implies he didn't know (we were all pretty distracted for about 45 seconds prior to this question). Easy…just go right back to the other side of the counter where we JUST were. He dashes…he is a VIGILANT daddy. She is not there. I run, gelatos and other two kids in hand, to where she was hypnotized by the store just 45 seconds before. Oh. My. God…my Heavenly Father…she is not there. Herds of people walking by. I look, a little more plussed than my usually vigilant self-controlled self, at my husband believing that he has found her on the other side of the gelato counter. He looks a little frantic. He starts running…my heart starts doing something it has RARELY done…panic. I start thinking to ask the hypnotic store worker is he has seen a little girl…surely she was lured in by the hypnosis. He says he has not seen a little girl. I return to the "paying" side of the gelato counter as my husband checks the other side of the OTHER side of the cafe here in the middle of the mall walkway. MIND YOU…IVY is FOUR YEARS OLD and is short, so even though we can't SEE her, she MUST be trying to find us right around here because this is where we all were hanging out, but we can't see her over the counters…my husband just needs to run into her here, looking for us.
My other two kids are perceptive, as most kids are. They start asking "where is Ivy?". I say, "we'll find her"…they don't bite. They don't see my eyes matching with my words. I am holding both their hands, my wallet, all the gelato, and start increasing speed. My son is a bit of a panicker. My daughter is a bit anxious. This is not going well. I am VIGILANT….I try to stay calm. I try to not let them hear the EVER increasing, with every second that we are unable to find my little, helpless, somewhat reckless, FOUR year old in the middle of the CEASAR'S PALACE FORUM SHOPS IN LAS VEGAS. Oh. My. Heavenly. Father. About two minutes into this "search" right around this immediate area, I realize that she is not here….WAIT…there are Uncle Dave and Aunt Mary…Uncle Dave waves, looking happy…my husband (who is across the cafe area) sees him and darts to him (IVY LOVES UNCLE DAVE AND MARY)…she MUST be with them… Thank you, God. WAIT again…my husband looks horrified…oh my LORD…she is NOT with them either. That does it for me…all of a sudden this involuntary, out-loud, crazy-speed, prayer starts coming from my mouth. My son and daughter are crying. They are saying "Ivy is crying right now, we know it". I remember to try to be calm for them. I bend down to their level and say "guys, we are going to find her. God knows where she is. He will help us". Do I believe this? I see my husband run like a professional football player at the opposite side of the cafe, toward where we entered this area…back from where we came.
As I write this now…my heart is back to where it was then. My hands are sweaty. My head is spinning. I am only re-calling this. I can actually barely get through this. I can tell you, at this moment, last night, I had some very difficult things running through my head. I wanted to SCREAM her name. I wanted to SCREAM "IVY!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!?!?!?!?!!?!?". I couldn't scream. I couldn't shout. I had to remain somewhat calm for my other two kids who were losing it. I saw my dear friend Mary. I said, "find security". I knew I had to stay by the gelato in case Ivy were to come back. Come back. Oh my God in heaven…how could a little 4 year old know to come back? I wasn't even sure if she COULD come back, about 5 minutes into this incredibly harrowing event. She is a beautiful child. We are in Las Vegas. Las Vegas is dark. She is light. Am I ready to only have two children? Oh my God in heaven…could I even survive this? I can't run and find her. Stay calm for Autumn and Jonah. Again, involuntary prayer as we just walk around this damn gelato hell. I am praying OUT LOUD. I don't care what you think, lady. Stare all you freaking want. You have NO idea. My oldest child starts praying out loud. My son is telling me he can't breathe. He is almost sobbing as we walk, involuntarily, in circles, and telling me he can't breathe. I know, Jonah…neither can I.
I can't tell you, with words, the place my heart went. It actually isn't describable. It was literally between this physical realm in which I live every day, and the spiritual realm. I have never been more dependent on my faith, my God, my savior Jesus. I have never been more trapped here in this world, in the darkness of this world, and the light of knowing that I NEEDED God. I needed Jesus. It was surreal. I thought, in those moments, of the other families who have been through this EVER INCREASING feeling of dread…deep, deep DREAD….of failure, of loss, of neglect, of fear, of pain. Oh my God. How is this going to end? Is this going to end? Will I ever know WHERE my precious treasure is???
About 6 minutes into this pain, fear, dependence, uncertainty…I see my tall husband above the heads of the people and he is holding my treasure. He is holding Ivy. Oh my God. You did it. Thank you God. Thank you for our end. I ran to the security guy who was initiating whatever protocol they have for missing children…I don't care if it was a false alarm…there is NEVER time to waste.
My kids and I run to our other family members, and our friends meet us in the middle. There ARE NO WORDS. I held that child until my arms ached. I held her all the way back to the car (about 2 miles' walk). My son and other daughter were changed. My husband was changed. My four year old was changed. I was changed. I held my kids, and kissed them, and loved them for the rest of the short night. I think this will change my parenting approach...not sure how yet.
As my husband tells his perspective from last night, I believe God expedited angels to our aid. He said people, out of nowhere, were directing him…in the middle of the Forum Shops, in Caesar's Palace (a MEGA-OPOLIS), in the middle of Las Vegas. People were silently pointing him in the direction he needed to go. A sweet couple stopped to help a dashing, sobbing, lost, little beautiful child. They directed her to the information booth about a half football field away (so it seemed…I didn't measure it) from our family. Ivy WAS hypnotized. She turned around, didn't see us (we had just moved 4 feet away) and panicked. She, instead of heading back to where we were, hightailed it the other direction and practically ran to where she hoped her family was. Taylor said she was terrified when he got to her. Yes, I understand that. LOTS of people…BIG, bright, loud place. We homeschool…we are never apart for long. She said that she was worried she would never see us again.
Today…I am writing this with a happy ending. There are MANY MANY families who will never write this particular happy ending. So many families still don't know where their treasure is. I am still not sure how to process that. Yet, I feel so deeply in my heart that God brings about ALL things for the good of those who love him. I am not sure how that plays out for parents losing nights upon nights of sleep still searching for their treasure, their sweet helpless children. I am not sure how to give comfort, or if I can ever give comfort to those families…as my baby is back in my arms. Yet…I can't do nothing for those families. I can't just sit here being grateful that my baby is home.
I am changed forever.
