I have always struggled with knowing "who" I am. A career path was never my goal. Being a parent was never my goal. Being an athlete was never my goal. Part of my ADD-ness, I now clearly see, was the fact that I couldn't focus on any particular passion, skill, or goal. That reality is evident by the various jobs I have had: pet store worker, cucumber picker, intern for a public defender (interviewing incarcerated clients), intern for an aquarium (Mystic Aquarium), Whole Foods (yes, THAT Whole Foods) cashier, Dr. Hauschka (organic skin care line) customer service, Dr. Hauschka retail store trainer, customer service trainer for RICOH (a copier company), a credit company (Experian) account manager, Mary Kay, Send Out Cards...blah-dah-dee-dah dah, dee dah! I shall NOT even get into the sick reality of the borderline psychotic number of relationships, heart-breaks, and heart-breaking I have participated in. There is a neurotic map of extra-curricular activities that wooed me: ballet, soccer, lacrosse, skiing, sailing team, musicals, theater, Native American Association, AIDS volunteer training, volunteer dog walker for a pound, various auditions for reality shows...oh, how the list goes on (embarrassingly). POINT IS...I have been a feather in the wind, landing nowhere.
The only consistent thing (since I was about 5 years old wailing verses and choruses from "Annie" while standing on our couch) in my life has been singing. I can't say "music" has been consistent (I never practiced ANY of the instruments placed in my hands since I was 10), just SINGING.
This may not seem like a big deal to any of you. Perhaps you haven't struggled with purpose, goals, convictions, motivation, etc. If that is your case, you are very lucky. For those of us who have experienced life as a river in which we are swimming UP STREAM, the mechanics of daily existence can be challenging. Establishing a course in the "big picture" can be downright nighmare-ish.
So, here I am, at 40 years old, and for the first time I am realizing that the ONE thing I have done and loved consistently is actually something that defines me. I am a singer! No, I have not attended college for it, or had a 9-5 "time clock" job in it. Yet, for the past 35 years it has been the one area of success, growth, challenge, and love of my life.
Yesterday, on a whim, I decided to put together a portfolio of the songs on which I got to sing. The end goal of this whim is to put together a website with a future hope of...I guess I don't know. God knows, and I hope to get more opportunities as a result of this portfolio. What really amazed and humbled me, as I listened to the songs, was the sheer brilliance, talent, heart, and diversity of the artists with whom I have had the PLEASURE to sing background vocals on their projects. WOW. I am so grateful! I am also so very grateful that singing has been a LIFELINE for me. No, I don't sing endlessly wherever I go. When I sing, it is from the heart. I am blessed and my singing is a way to share that. My life has been a story of beauty from ashes, a bound and healing broken heart, an awe-struck child watching as her perfect Father works wondrous things that she doesn't always understand but catches glimpses and is amazed. The story, for me, is best expressed through the beauty of washy stacked ethereal harmonies. Beyonce or Adele, I am not. They have a mind-blowing melodic authority that demands attention and stops people in their tracks. Nevertheless, I am one cog out of many in a beautiful wheel of musical and artistic expression.
As foolish as this may sound (especially to those who have known me for a while), for the first time ever, I finally realize that I am a singer. It is my gift, my pleasure, and my job to share what I have done and will do. I am also a mother (much to my surprise, I am enjoying that job too!), a wife, a friend, a daughter, a teacher, a follower, a bit of an eccentric, a little unique, a tad geeky, a child of God. In addition to those things, today I realized that singing has been the thread holding me to this quilt of life. Hooray! I plan on celebrating that.
I will be (perhaps annoyingly) sharing some of the songs I have been a part of. Most of my love for singing is at it's height when I am in the studio, recording. Recording allows the artist to really go with the flow and get it right. Live performing is stressful for me. A studio is a place of safety for me, it allows my heart to open up and really connect to the music. I look forward to more opportunities to sing, but for now I will share what I have already done.
Blessings to you all, and may you find what makes your heart come alive!
